The month of August is my birth month, it has always held special significance for me besides the obvious. It has been a month of rebirth for me, new beginnings for as long as I can remember. This one has already proved to be no different, so in honor of my upcoming birthday I am starting a series titled, Blurred Lines. They say life is not just black and white but shades of grey and if I may add, the lines are so often blurred. It is here where I find myself today.
I haven’t felt tied to any place or anyone in so long…I feel like I’m a drifter, yet I’m not. I was born and raised in Newark, New Jersey, the only place I have ever lived before moving here to Florida. It had always been my desire to leave NJ, I never felt like I belonged there, I am drawn to island life. That relaxed pace combined with sun and warm weather suited my personality to a tee. Since living the island life has a huge cost attached, I set my sights on the next best thing. Florida! You can read about my initial decision to move here. I am finding the reasons I had to move here isn’t cutting it anymore,so I find myself in a restless place, not unfamiliar yet completely unknown. I do not regret moving here, I do regret the way I did it (can we say foolish) and I would not recommend it to anyone, it truly was a leap of faith! The most honest thing I can say about the move was that I moved here to experience renewal and refreshment, I was really just worn out and in need of change. I also was seeking to solidify a relationship that I cherished yet had been experiencing some growing pains and to close the geographical gap on a friendship that had good roots but needed only what presence can bring. I didn’t do my research like I should have and took someone else’s experience for my own, I was swayed by palm trees, sun and warm breezes dancing in my head, by visions of an idyllic paradise that I bought into hook, line and sinker.
I truly love Florida….it speaks to my soul but truthfully Florida hasn’t been that good to me. Maybe Jacksonville wasn’t the right place for me. I’ve been here almost 2 years and unable to find employment. Had a couple of great interviews but nothing came of them. I have very little social life, ok I have no social life so I have learned to be my own best friend more and more. I’m navigating the Jacksonville fashion scene which is fun but not leading to any paying gigs as of yet. Found a great church but distance keeps me from being as active as I would like. My family is getting connected to the environment and my children are flourishing in school…it’s me whose having issues. Which leads me to this thought, what do I do? Lately I have been reconsidering going back home to New Jersey, something I have in the past refused to think of. I have a lot to go home to, my history is there, my family is there, it’s like Cheers, “Where everybody knows your name”. Here in Jax, I wander in a sea of anonymity, very few know who I am. My family is settled, I’m not. Is it fair to expect them to move yet again? Do I stay and continue to try to make a life that doesn’t seem to want be made here, do I go back “home” to what is safe and familiar or should I move on in search of a place where I know I belong? I’m not sure what the answer to that question is right now but we will explore it further in the weeks leading up to my birthday. Feel free to chime in…I could use a little direction here!
Until next time, go forth and please…Be stylish